You can change it all if you want to!

hyperphagia asked: I read your post a while ago about deciding not to press charges against your abuser. How did you come to this decision? Aren't you afraid he'll abuse again? Do you not feel it is your responsibility to protect others from his crimes? Also, have you had any contact with him since? Sorry if this sounds accusatory - that really wasn't my intention. I'm sure you have very sound justifications for your actions... I just want to understand.

I’ve been sitting on this a while because it’s a difficult question to answer. Keep in mind that this response is personal and shouldn’t be applied to anyone else going through something similar. 

• In the case of my abusive situation, I don’t feel the courts would be the correct way to handle/”punish”/correct the abuser. I would much rather he receive therapy and become a healthy person who deals with their issues in a nonviolent way. In my case, I don’t see the courts accomplishing much.
• Of course I think about every single girl he could hurt in the future. But there’s a point where, even if I did make it my life’s goal to try to prevent that, it could still happen anyway. On top of that, to keep pursuing and trying to prevent that, I am becoming again responsible for his abusive actions. I’m going to carry that guilt around knowing he could hurt someone again, and that is my burden.
• A part of me still feels, of course, responsible for what happened. How can I prosecute someone for something when I was (seemingly) a participant? Abusive dynamics are strange and people can interpret these statements as victim blaming. Please keep in mind it’s just how I feel about my situation. I’m half responsible for the abuse, in my view. Everyone tells you not to blame yourself when you’re in therapy. I do blame myself, and that’s something I’m working on. 

Everyone is supportive and nobody understands.

Transitions

Like many other survivors, even something as simple as the change in seasons can be triggering.

This time of year is the absolute toughest on me. School winds down, my working hours are up in the air, I’m looking for a volunteer position or an internship. The unstructured time leaves me feeling restless and stagnant. I eat worse food, stay indoors too much, go out with friends too late.

I call up friends in the middle of the night, one after the other— calls to Providence, DC, Philly, San Fransisco. “Hi, how’re you doing? Maybe I’ll come visit. School is great, I’m great.”

I feel overall not myself. This is definitely the time of year I stumble the most. It’s a struggle to get a rhythm going in terms of a daily routine. I’m triggered more easily, upset more easily, depressed more easily, hypersensitive and down on myself. I feel a lot of old self hate.

It’s easy to forget how enlightening a bike ride can feel.

It’s easy to forget how a conversation with a friend or my partner can get me feeling like my old self so easily. Old self. I should say my new self, my self-self. I’m trying out support groups and just fighting as hard as ever, for every day.

I can change it all if I want to!

Recovery and Vegetarianism

I’ll try not to let this post sound preachy. I went vegetarian in January (4 months! woo!) and it’s really helped me get over my disordered eating patterns. I still have off days but it’s really changed my perspective on eating.

• I see cooking now as an exciting and fun thing. I like to look up new vegetarian recipes and I have a little market next to my house which has cheap fruits and vegetables.
• I’ve cut out most junk food (with the exception of coffee.. I drink so much and make it so sweet, it’s practically a dessert) and now crave fruit or veggies more often than chips and fries.
• I’ve taken to exercising, which helps a lot with depression and anxiety. I go in moderation and lift weights at home so I’m not overdoing it.
• I’m working on getting stronger and investing in protein bars. Still saving up for a blender. Maybe next week I’ll finally get one!
• I’m seeing how much a positive perspective on food can go a long way. It was hard won, but I’m slowly starting to view things much more positively!

Progress/Cultivating Gratefulness

Some progress:

I can feel the every day fear I used to have slowly melt away. I’m starting to realize just how deeply my self confidence had been destroyed and rebuilt over the past few years. I’m excelling at my job because I finally feel like a capable person again. After procrastinating and making excuses, I’m finally working on getting my license. The fear I felt about driving is gone.

If anyone out there has been through a grinding abusive situation, I wish I could personally talk to each and every one of you. I wish you could know how truly capable you are, how right your judgement is. I wish I could help restore your sense of self confidence. But that’s a journey everyone has to take alone. I recommend keeping a journal and writing down times you feel incapable, second guess yourself for no reason, or let your fear of failing stop you from trying. Start talking back to these feelings, remind yourself of times you WERE capable and accomplished things. It’s something I struggle with every day, but that I’m finding myself getting better and better at. It takes a lot of work!

Cultivating gratefulness:

I’m probably going to make a longer post about this in the future, but for the time being: I really think it’s important to remind yourself every day of things you are grateful for. I follow a great blog, lerachh, who frequently posts things to be thankful for and happy about. I think it’s just so so wonderful! It’s a great way to keep a positive mindset.

Hope everyone’s been well! Take care of yourselves, and remember, you’re very capable!

Columbine: Wounded Minds Project

Hey guys. I wanted to do a short spot on the blog to encourage anyone who is able to donate to the following project. Trigger warning for mentions of shootings/trauma/PTSD.

About the film: Directed by Samuel J. Granillo, a survivor of the April 20, 1999 Columbine High School Shootings, Columbine: Wounded Minds is a film project that was officially launched in the spring of 2011. The unofficial thought to make a film revolving around how to get help to those still suffering from the mental and physical traumas of the event, has been an idea for several years.

A documentary that is told from our perspective for the first time. The difficulties of healing from such a traumatic event have shaped the paths of our lives. We still require plenty of healing, therapy and counseling. This will be a journey to find a solution for those who still struggle every day. This documentary isn’t just a message, it’s a movement.

I think as people who have also suffered trauma, it’s so important to try to support projects like this. People who survive trauma like this are often forgotten years after the media attention. Additionally, it’s often true that people develop symptoms and realize the deep effects of trauma later on in life. This whole thing moves me deeply. The psychological wounds are the last to be addressed and are easily forgotten. Please spread this around!

You can learn more about the project and donate at: http://woundedmindsproject.com/

Recovery is not simple. Recovery is not easy. Recovery is not fast. Recovery is a grueling process. Recovery is a 24/7 job, with no days off, no breaks, and very few, if any pay days. You are not allowed to quit. You are not allowed to back down, or even just take a day off to rest. You don’t have a choice but to keep going, to keep fighting, because somewhere, somehow, it has to be worth it.

elytra:

GOD SERIOUSLY.

(Source: letsrecovertogether)

Dissociation Tips pt. 2: Body Awareness

This is a follow up post to this post. It details how you can use body awareness to recognize the signs of stress, the fight or flight response, and other tensions in the body. I use the following techniques to recognize the early signs of when I’m going to “check out” when I can’t handle a lot of stress. I can bring myself back from the brink by recognizing the tension in my body and then using PMR (progressive muscle relaxation techniques) to become more connected with my body.

PART ONE: STRESS

• The first trick is to figure out what particular parts of your body are most immediately and noticeably effected by stress. Try to prioritize them— which do you notice first? For me, my top signs of stress go something like this: I notice my clenching hands and teeth, the tension in my shoulder, sometimes a small headache, or a lack of hunger. Out of those, the most immediately noticeable would be clenching my hands and teeth, or the shoulder tension. From this point, you should try to recognize your own signs of stress as frequently as you can. The more you “check in” with your body, the more you can avoid the lasting effects of stress. For me, when I get too stressed out, I “check out”. 
• For most people, muscular clenching is the most noticeable and easy to correct signs of extreme stress. Try to employ progressive muscle relaxation techniques when you notice the tension.
• PRACTICE! Practice every chance you get. The more intune you get with your physiological responses, the more you will have power over the dissociation.

PART TWO: FIGHT OR FLIGHT

Most people who have PTSD experience hyperarousal as a part of the fight or flight response. For me, the fight or flight response would frequently result in “checking out”. If I experienced something scary, or felt cornered and helpless, I would leave my body in order to avoid dealing with the issue at hand. This was especially true if there wasn’t an immediate way to escape. The fight or flight response for me usually resulted in either a panic attack or dissociation.

• Familiarize yourself with the effects you feel when confronted with fight or flight. Keeping a journal will help with this, as you may be presented less often with fight or flight situations. Try to remember the things you experienced the last time you felt helpless or in danger: Did your heart race? Did you sweat?
• Recognizing these signs may not seem like much, but if you begin to realize why your body is responding the way it is, it gives you a sense of control.
• Fight or flight is a normal response most people will experience in their lives. Having PTSD means you are geared up and your adrenaline can be released with more ease— especially if you experience a lot of hyperarousal. Your body may “overreact” to situations. 
• Talk to yourself. If you need to, engage in a mental dialogue with yourself. Observe your surroundings and describe them to yourself. Remind yourself that you are not in any kind of danger. While doing this self talk, try to relax your muscles to the best of your ability. Take slow, deep breaths in through your nose. Lean against a wall or sit down.

Here’s a case study for you in “checking in”. It involves both stress and fight or flight:

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I often get very anxious in the car with my boyfriend. He essentially described me as a cat trying to claw my way out of the car. This is fight or flight! I began to notice the tension and my racing heart, and by using deep breathing techniques, I practiced calming myself to the point where I can now— for the most part— relax when in a car with him. I noticed the immediate signs— my hands would clench in my lap, I’d become very stiff, my teeth would grind, my heart would pound. My muscles would ache with tension. The simple act of recognizing the physiological reactions gave me a degree of control. That degree of control expanded when I fought tooth and nail to get a hold of myself, taking slow breaths and relaxing my muscles. Before I began practicing these techniques, the stress would overwhelm me and I would simply check out. Now it’s very rare for me to check out!

One final note: These techniques need to be practiced REGULARLY to see results. Practice! Keep a notebook! Recognize the tension whenever you can, even if it’s just anxiety at school, tension when you’re talking to an aggravating family member on the phone, etc. The stress reaction is the same in different situations— it can just be more or less intense. Keep a list where you prioritize the reactions and figure out which ones are the most easy to recognize.

On Cooking

I’ve seen a bit of online discussion going around lately about limitations people might have with cooking— whether it be the amount of time it takes to cook something, the amount of dirty dishes it creates, etc— and it’s a topic that’s on my mind a lot. I had a fickle appetite to begin with, but as someone who also deals with mental illness and is in recovery for an eating disorder, I have definitely struggled with cooking and eating. I’ve made so much progress lately, but I still have a lot of things to fall back on if I’m doing badly. Here’s a short list of some easy to cook foods, either with no prep or microwaving:

• There are many kinds of cheap instant rice out there, which is a great filler food if you’ve got nothing else. I’m pretty sure Uncle Ben’s makes microwavable packets.
• If you can save up and afford it, invest in a blender. Making a fruit and vegetable smoothie to supplement a meal if you aren’t feeling up to eating is fast, effective and nutritional. This is a piece of advice I’ve heard from every nutritionist or friend in recovery I’ve spoken to.
• There’s many kinds of veggie dumplings that are able to be microwaved.
• Oatmeal is huge for me. Especially with other kinds of fruit. I’m going to try a new cold recipe that involves milk and greek yogurt soon too!
• Most vegetables taste great when steamed in a pot and it only takes a couple of minutes to cook. There’s also frozen vegetables which can be microwaved.
• Tortillas are huge for me. You can put pretty much anything in them. It’s definitely a cheap staple.
• I’m all about apple sauce. Apple sauce is pretty great.
• Lean Cuisine is fairly cheap and microwavable.
• I live in a place where fruit is very cheap, and I eat lots of it throughout the week. I have berries with yogurt on hand, melons, bananas and apples. Very yum and doesn’t involve any cooking!
• Granola bars are also cheap and good to have on hand. Fruit and granola is just great.

I want to expand on this more in some way. It’s tough to see people struggle with eating. My other piece of general advice is to cook ahead. Many of my vegan friends, as well as my friends who are serious about nutrition and weight loss, prepare their meals for the week because of busy schedules and not having access to the kinds of food they need while out and about. If you have trouble cooking on the day to day, but for some reason could make time one day a week to cook, cook so there’s leftovers that will last you the week. Things like soup make for long lasting leftovers. I guess it all really depends on what types of limitations or disabilities you might have. The above is what I’m familiar with!